theatre humor

[♥annie♥]

Theatrical Logic

In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.

[♥annie♥]

Q: How many Drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Three. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the throne.
A2: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A3: Whats a light bulb?

Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to do it and six to transpose it into another key and do it faster.

Q: How many Chick Singers?
A: There's nothing wrong with that light dearie, hit your mark.

Q: Sound engineers?
A: I'm busy, thats lightings gig.

Q: LD's?
A: Thats a lamp, and stay away from it.

Q: Backup Singers?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in the greenroom.

Q: Guitar techs?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in the back of the truck.
Chris Babbie <[e-mail]>



Q: How many Technical Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, why do I have to do everything myself, goshdarnit?!?
John S. Musarra <[e-mail]>



Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they'll just fix it in the mix.
From: Alicia Stevans <[e-mail]>



Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; they've proclaimed darkness the new standard.
Dave Vick <[e-mail]>




The following jokes came as a package from: The Definitive List Of Techie Jokes: As compiled by readers of RATS newsgroup and Andy Kelk ([e-mail])

Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's an Electrician's job.

Q: OK, then, how many Electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your darn business.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 15. You gots a f***ing problem wit dat?

Q: How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2 one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.

Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3...no, make it 4... on second thought 3... make it 5 just to be safe.

Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It doesn't matter, you'll have to do it again anyway.

Q: How many PA's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they're still frieking with the switch.

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11. 1 to change the bulb, 10 to clap.

Q: How many lighting designers does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Its a carefuly orchestrated blackout.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well... Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?

Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hmmmmmm.........Light bulb..............Allow me to ponder the changing of the bulb.

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's it's motivation?

Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno....I'm just happy to be here.

Q: How many IA guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light?
A: One.... if he can find it.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: On; the actor holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves around the actor...

Q: How many straight actors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: its a lamp.

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lamp?
A: None...if it worked once they aren't gonna play with it.....

Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor changing a light bulb!

[♥annie♥]

An Actor's Guide to Performance:
Hold for all laughs---real, expected, or imagined! If you don't get one, face front and repeat the line louder. Failing this, laugh at it yourself.

Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results---on stage and off.

A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set.

Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light.

Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage. It will only throw you.

Do not look at them either---you may not like what you see.

Always be specific---point to what you're talking about.

If a line isn't working for you, change it.

Stage Managers are NOT actors---ignore them. Keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.

Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the leads aren't very entertaining.

Mistakes are never your fault.

Always find something to witch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your professional attention to detail.

Never carry make-up---someone will have what you need.

Never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job)

Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary.

And give the notes immediately before they go on---it will be fresher that way.

Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.

Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next.

Play the reality---always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the show, then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful snobs?

The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

Need a character? Get a costume.

Never change anything that is working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.

When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "whoo"!

Go up on a line? Clap twice, look at the audience, and giggle.

Even if a piece of "shtick" doesn't work, keep using it. The important thing is for you to have fun and feel good about yourself.