FUNNY STUFF, funny stuff

[philandcodyfan]

DISCLAIMER: I get all my material from Planet Jazz.

How Do You Get To Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked
them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more
theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how
can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[philandcodyfan]

Make sure you read everything coz this story is very........TOUCHING?!

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mamma." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[philandcodyfan]

Why Parents Drink:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of
his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers; he
dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper.

Hello.
Is your daddy home, he asked?
Yes, whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him? The child whispered, No.
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked,
Is your Mommy there? Yes.

May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered, No.
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could
leave a message, the
Boss asked, Is anybody else there?

Yes, whispered the child, a policeman.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, May I speak with the policeman?

No, he's busy, whispered the child.
Busy doing what?
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came
the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
what sounded like a
Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the
boss asked, What is that noise?

A hello-copper answered the whispering voice.
What is going on there?
asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed
whispering voice the child answered,

The search team just landed the hello-copper.

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a
little frustrated the boss
asked, what are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along
with a muffled giggle:

ME.

[philandcodyfan]

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce, produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove, dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) The two were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
1 After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple
nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it? Is it an odd, or anend?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language
do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and
send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at
all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[philandcodyfan]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
ticked in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'Pssst!'
and it didn't move."

************************************************
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad.....""WHAT?""I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of
water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"

************************************************
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out
and in and
out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come
in
or stay out!'"

*************************************************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about
to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

**************************************************

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
for the children's sermon. All the children were invited
to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it
your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone, "Yes,and my Mom says
it's a witch to iron."

**************************************
When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
my three year old came into the room when I was just
getting ready to get into the shower.

She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied,
"but what's growing in your butt?"

****************************************
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a
witch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a witch is
nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher
taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a witch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

**************************************
One day the first grade teacher was reading the

story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes


(note that "witch" and "crap" were different words where I read the joke)

[philandcodyfan]

Weight Loss Program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious
health risks.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an
ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he
calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round
her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his
way
with her.

After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like
the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the
next two days and the same thing happens.

The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The
next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while
to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the
next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on
the
fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone.

This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I
haven't
felt this good in years

" The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it
he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
If I catch you, you're mine."

From Pepa

[philandcodyfan]

WOMEN?S BRAINS

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

[bluedaisyxoxo]

That was so funny I died! My ghost had to dial 911!lol Those are all so funny!

[Femtimon]

:)I think I've heard it before so its not as funny but nevertheless, it's still funny.

[♥annie♥]

very funny

[CoLE SPRoUSE LoVE <3]

I read the first one, but not the other ones. It was HILARIOUS!!

[babykitty180]