Diary # 19-Walk a mile in the crazy one's shoes

[Femtimon]

Hi, I'm Heidi and I'm crazy. No, I don't mean insane crazy but fun crazy like Ricky is
Alright, you probably wanna know my age:17
Favorites:
Movie-Mean Girls
Book: A Child Called It
TV Show-Phil of the Future, DUH!
Actress-Rachel McAdams
Actor-Raviv Ullman
Song: Fighter
Christmas Song: All I Want for Christmas Is You (Can you guess why?
Male Singer:Raviv (if he was, he would be my fav.) Ok seriously, it's Rob Thomas
Female Singer: Christina Aguilera
Food: (the same it's always been) stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut
The only candy I really eat is Snickers and Kit-Kat. I never was big on candy.
I have a rabbit named Rosie, which I consider my baby (sometimes a pain-in the-butt)



About 9:00 pm here
Oh, Chris was so cute in Photo class today (as always) . I was hoping to use mistletoe on him but I really don't think he likes me. He was so funny. He's like "Mr. Barber that better not be a 59. It's a 95. I do not accept bad grades. You'll hear from my mom." He tried to snatch someone's lollipop. Alright, enough about my crush. My mom and I finished the letter we were gonna send to Disney Channel Ceo person and I will mail it tomorrow. I'm hopeful about saving the show. Reading all these emails from Save Phil of the Future has given me a positive outlook. Hoping Rosie does not keep going the bathroom in her nesting box and eating the straw out of it cuz that's for the babies. Yes, she's pregnant. She's due the 28th. I didn't get to watch POTF today because I was reading stuff on this site. I'll try and watch it tonight. I hope Ricky does not stay with his look from the beginning of this month (hairy neck and face, EW!). I don't know what he was was thinking. No, yes I do, he wasn't thinking. I know he's getting older but geez, it's just not him. He should show all of his beautiful face. And don't get me started on his hair. He should always keep it nice and short. At least he shaves and cuts his hair for the show. I'm just angry at him for his look but of course I'm still crazy about him. He probably won't keep that look. Still waiting for him to reply to my letter. It's been 2 months now since I wrote him. I'm still thinking about that picture of him with a bra. I got my grade up on AP Psych test. Not sure what I got but thanks to POTF, I at least got a C. Yes, I know a C is nothing but I get terrible grades on tests in that class, partly because I don't study as much as I should. I didn't even have to study more than 5 minutes and I got a good grade on this test. *sigh*I'm so annoyed that I don't have my learners permit, yet. I failed by one question. My teachers supposed to take me to take the test again. The questions are probably the same since it's been so long since my first so I wouldn't have to study that much. I'm probably the only one my age to not get a learners permit. Not my fault. I did not have enough money for one b4 or drivers ed. Thank god Driver's ED is over but I still have to do one more driving session. Haven't done it yet because instructor wants me to wait until I get my learners permit and practice. Christmas is so stressful and not exciting this year. I didn't give a list to anybody because there's nothing I really want. There's someone I want (you-know-who so I'm not . ::)OK, you forced me into it, it's Ricky Ullman if you can't connect the dots. Objects don't make me happy anymore like they used to in previous years. I guess it's a mature teenager thing. Alright, I'm finally done jabberwoching. I gotta go eat late dinner anyway.

[Femtimon]

Rosie finally had her babies! > I feel like I should help her but she obviously knows what she's doing. It's animal instinct. Beverly Hills! That's where I want to be! Gimme Ricky!Look at all those movie stars....I wanna live a life like that.....Beverly Hills! That's where I want to be! Gimme Ricky!.......The truth is I don't stand a chance. It's something that you're born into and I just don't belong.....Beverly Hills! That's where I want to be! Gimme Ricky!
What a I am, right? I wonder when Rosie feeds her children. Does she not feed them on the first day? They're cute for animals that don't have any fur yet! Rosie eats too much! She's so silly! She eats hay/straw out of the nesting box if I don't get her something to eat at that moment. I keep wondering if she's gonna hurt the babies, reaching in there like that. :-SI can't waith til they open their eyes. They have weird eyes when they're born. Sry, I never seen newborn animal babies so that's why I sound like I know as much as a little kid. Anyway, I wish someone would tell me where Ricky's going to appear next but noone knows. I saw my father yesterday. He's changed from when I was little but yet he didn't. I mean I love my father (most of the time) but he has never gotten along with my mom and OUR relationship has kinda slipped. We usually get along great when we're together. Yes, my parents are divorced. He made me feel guilty for not seeing him in 11 weeks. But in the past, I always had to be the one to contact him for us to be together. Today, he kinda layed a guilt trip on me about messing up his computer. But at least when we're together we're crazy together. That's where I get my craziness from. Anyway, enough about that man. I'm gonna try and hang up more posters of Ricky and some other people that are in Tiger Beat. Yeah! I taped Law &Order: SVU with him in it and me and my mom are gonna watch it tonight. [-(I have nothing else to say. See ya later!
Ha ha! Just kidding!

[Femtimon]

Almost 2:00
At school
Rosie had killed her babies months ago. They lived for about 3 days. Sorry, I shoulda let you readers know sooner. I'm so glad schools almost over. It was so boring in AP Psych. We were watching a video about a guy named Jim Jones who made 900 people commit suicide. I mean who cares about some psycho manipulator. I know it doesn't sound boring but they analyzed it TOO MUCH!!!! I'm almost finished my ceramic box. Too bad the judge will judge it even though I'm not satisfied. Just have to clean off hearts and glass pieces and then do the inside. Guess whose pictures I'm gonna put on the inside? YESSS!!!!! That's right, Raviv. . Anyway, Chris . Mr Barber wouldn't sign his pass to go to the bathroom. So he was standing there saying "When a guy's gotta go, he's gotta go." and he was dancing around. Finally, after like 2 minutes Mr. Barber signed his pass. I SWEAR!!! ;D Whatever Chris does cracks me up! Anyway gtg. 15 more minutes of school and I'm also checking my mail while I'm writing this.

[Femtimon]

Almost 2:00
It's my 18th bday today! Like I said, I don't want to be this old. Going to Golden Corral for my bday dinner. I got 2 cds: Pussycat Dolls and Aly&AJ. also got a new edition of M. disappointed that it only had two pics of Raviv. oh well gotta get Tiger Beat then. I'm sure they'll have alot. Anyway enough about my bday I'M REALLY STARTING TO HATE LOVE SONGS!!!!!!! Know why? You're just dying to know, I'm sure...............................
Ok, held up the suspense long enough. the reason is< Not only do I think about Raviv and Chris (which I choose to think about them) but JD (the one I was talking about on School Stories thread which this is the guy that I'm repulsively drawn to) I also think about. I don't even know why I love him. JD= . Maybe it's because we both equal s and are both very similar. For whatever the reason, it's not something I choose. It's like my mind says no but my heart says yes. Well, one things for sure I'm gonna keep myself from liking him more than Raviv or Chris. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!!!! I thought my mind could control who I liked and didn't like. Need a graphic image of this love: mind= , heart= .
+ =

[Femtimon]

1:31 pm
On Friday, JD and Josh asked me to be their girlfriend. GEEZ!!! That is so overwhelming to be asked by two guys on the same day. I knew JD liked me. I JUST KNEW IT!!!! But I can't believe he actually asked me I'm not sure if I like either of them though. It is flattering for someone to like me but I wish it was the guys I knew I liked that liked me back. Everyone's been telling me to tell them we go out and just see where it takes us (including my mom and my therapist). I may like them but I just can't choose. Josh told me to write a list of pros and cons for him and JD. Ok, I'm not physically attracted to Josh but for some reason I am to JD. JD's fashion sense is totally whack; Josh dresses well. Josh has always known how to act around girls; JD hasn't (but I think he has improved for me). Josh is smart but I think JD is smarter. JD likes to read as much as I do. Josh is hilarious sometimes but JD is hilarious almost all the time (that's good I like a guy that makes me laugh alot). Since JD has improved I'm not so much repulsed by him anymore. Josh had the guts to ask me out but JD took forever to ask me (obviously he is shy). Does that make JD more sensitive maybe? Do I want a guy that's brave enough to ask or do I want the shy perhaps sensitive one? JD is sweet but so is Josh. JD I find more interesting. I seem to want to talk to Josh more though. Maybe JD makes me nervous? I know Josh likes bowling and sucks as much as I do. That's good. I kinda feel sorry for JD since he's never had a girlfriend but maybe Josh has. JD knows about my obsession with Raviv but Josh doesn't and I'm terrified for Josh to find out. I feel so naive not knowing what to do since I've never had a BF before. I'm not gonna know exactly what to say to them since I probably won't make a decision on which one to be a girlfriend to. SOMEONE PLZ GIVE ME ADVICE I CAN ACTUALLY USE!!!! No, well I guess this is something I have to figure out myself. Advice is not the answer. I kinda don't like them because they're no Raviv. They're not cute but I guess they're not ugly (otherwise I'd be running from them forever). I like Raviv's personality so much better but I know I'm not good enough for Raviv. Oh well doesn't hurt to want one little date with him. So I still want to meet him. I should be girlfriend to either JD or Josh because I need the experience. I don't want to feel naive anymore and "I don't want to be lonely no more. I don't wanna have to pay for this. I don't wanna know the lover at my door. It's just another heartache on my list. I don't wanna be angry no more. You know I could never stand for this......." Well I'm not generally lonely but sometimes I am and I sorta want someone that I could really call my own. Instead of just always saying "my man" when I'm only speaking figuratively. I think I will go with one of them but of course I will still love Raviv and dream about him (just not talk about Raviv around them really. that would be a BIG NO NO! lol. i'm saying shame on you to myself) Oh I just thought of this. Here's my miracle solution: I could kinda be girlfriend to both of them but not tell them that I'm going out with another (that's like my mom's advice but slightly different). *winces* Maybe that's not such a good idea. I would make each of them jealous and they'd be totally mad and say "You're cheating on me!" They might dump me like yesterday's trash. No definitely not good. I'm setting myself up for a severe heartbreak. No this solution makes me too much of a player. Now I kinda feel like Sabrina when she had to choose between Harvey and Josh. Even if I was a witch like her, I definitely wouldn't want to do the Boyfriend Course because I wouldn't want a chance of one of them dying. UHHHH!!! If only life were so simple!! I'm gonna have to give this more thought and then I'll get back to you with my decision.
Signed: Possibly

[Femtimon]

3:00 AM
man i havent written in forever sorry about that..im not tired obviously. ok see if i can get you the update on my life since the last journal. as you know (or you dont) i did pick Josh back then but it only lasted a few months and he broke up with me for some younger girl who was fatter than me. a few months after i graduated (in the summer) he came by to apologize. i was thinking please leave. you can take that apology and shove it.
why am i like this? because later i found out he cheated on me all along. theres no way in heck im taking him back.
sometimes i wish i had picked JD...he teased me alot but was a nice guy deep down. he means well.
do I miss school? no not really..i do miss Creative Writing a bit and my classmates in there. without CW, i dont take time to write like i used to (lucky i couldnt sleep..usually wouldnt come on here) and i really should.
i dont really care about Chris anymore..i dont hate him but he can go with a blonde if he wants. i wont intervene.
i can't wait til those babies of my baby, Rosie come home. 2 weeks is too long to wait...saw them theyre sooo cute!
as most of you probly know i dont have a thing for Raviv anymore. i still consider him a homie though. now its all Drake Bell all the time! i didn't want to love him but somehow i do so now im stuck with this feeling. oh well can't blame my heart though..i never noticed how incredible he is. hes the hottest guy on earth and the only one i consider schmexy. even hotter in person! his music is awesome..the lyrics, his guitar playing, beat. incredibly talented man! im gonna miss when they run out of episodes of Drake and Josh but i think Drake made a good choice, focusing on his music. he can get really far with that! amazing style, when im not dressing like Aly (shes my other role model) im gonna wear the rocker, vintage clothes he has. Drakey has lightened up my life..made me feel better when im sick or feeling bad. one look/listen to him and discomfort is gone. ever since i met him, ive been in love w/him..(before i just had a crush) but this time i think its love. sweetest guy i ever met!! has just the right amount of confidence..i admire that. so funny. coolest guy you'll ever meet. i truly admire how he survived his car accident so well. like i said sometimes i dont want to love him because once in a while it can get me heartbroken that i can't be with him. his gf really gets in the way...i just can't believe he got one so fast after breakup w/previous one. ok i know it sounds crazy but i felt a bit of connection when we met..you know the saying, i think he loves me, he just doesnt know it yet. of course he smiles at all his fans..but the one to me was soo sincere and said love. well i really think it said love but if it doesnt it at least says the potential to be really good friends. i was too nervous to talk to him..i must have sounded like an idiot. hopefully i can go to his next concert. i wrote him a poem (not great in my opinion but i put alot of love into it) and never got to give it to him. i put my phone number underneath so he would call me on my birthday...it would make me feel better if i heard from him then because im so dreading getting older.
you know im so behind..i still havent got my permit because we couldnt find the paperwork we needed..well we found it so im gonna take the test again soon. i havent got a job yet..i was thinking about technical school but idk if we'll have the money. im gonna go apply at Hollywood Video again. im afraid to work there sorta..because i went in the store to get info, this guy from my school that i never noticed before works there and when i saw him it took all my strength to keep from blushing. yep i think i have a crush on him. but i dont want to because it would be akward working with someone you have a crush on. i dont think he remembers me so he wouldnt like me back. plus in the end, id rather stay true to Drake. i know Drake isnt really my guy but i believe hes the only one id be whole with..my soulmate. i may not be sad with anyone else but ill definitely feel whole with Drake. so i sorta wanna wait for him. besides i barely even know anything about this guy. i know plenty about Drake. and if i go with this guy, chances are i might forget all about Drake..deep down i dont want to. and not support him, go to any of his concerts. where would he be without his #1 (or practically #1)and one of his original fans? sure hes got loads of girls fawning all over him. but im one of the few people who has the utmost respect for him..a respected fan would be a bad loss. idk if i really am his fan maybe i wouldnt forget about him..but i certainly wouldnt have time to support him. and alot of times you can have regrets about this sort of thing..what if i go with this guy? and it turns out Drake had noticed me..wanted to be friends (if not my bf) i miss my chance, being too busy to hang out. i know its rare but it is possible celebrities have loved normal people before..and my luck it will happen.
Drakes turned me onto alot..not liking old music b4, not really paying attention..loving him has forced me to expand my curiousity in music and now im a music addict..liking all kinds of artists. i listen to music probly as much as others watch tv. his main idol is the Beatles and i really love them..i think i turned into a hardcore fan of them. them and Drake i listen to the most. i even watched the Beatles first movie, and i think theyre really cute and hot in that. i love their personality too. and for some reason i majorly love Ringo..i find the dumbness in him attractive. why do i always like the dumb guys? lol..oh look at me im falling in love with memories of people..oh well its ok to look right? im glad i didn't live in that era..the Beatles are awesome really but basically every girl loved them and id have alot of competition trying to get em. and im not sure theyd be the right bfs for me..plus they seemed to get old quick. yep im much happier loving Drake. hes got that uniqueness that they dont have (i dont know what it is) and hes looked cute even when he was a baby. the Beatles didn't look too cute when they were little. i saw a documentary of the Beatles but Paul's still got it. after all these years he can still play music like a Beatle.
man everything seems to make me think of Drake..i sing alot of songs dedicated to him.
New Years was a drag (Christmas wasnt a picnic either, like i said i really wanted to give that poem and my number to Drake before my bday..disappointed me that i chickened out giving it to him on stage on the 2nd concert we went to..one of the girls gave her note to him on stage.. i wish i had that courage...there was a meet & greet that none of us knew about and that i couldnt have another chance by going to the one after..bummer. and my father was irking me about not being there for me) i started the morning before New Years Eve, was doing it a whole lot..and when i didn't my stomach felt sick at least. i think i tired my stomach muscles doing that, thats why. i also got really bad chills..developed back pain and my hand felt a bit twisted. i swear i couldnt stay still. i got tired of laying in bed..then after a while didn't want to sit down in the living room..i was all over the place. not fun. and that whole time i felt too sick to go on the computer. now i know what it feels like to go on computer withdrawal. comp. is like a drug..i go crazy without it. it wasnt until yesterday..err two days ago i mean i got back on the computer and recovered but i had a headache into the night. had to put that cold ice on my head..for a long time. whoo! too cold! yesterday and now..ive developed a cold, so my life has been discomfort after discomfort. im sitting here sneezing..cloggy stingy nostrils..as i type. my throat is still a little sore but drinking pickle juice took alot of it away believe it or not. idk if my voice has come back, havent tested it out but last time i talked it wasnt too hoarse.
ok i better at least lay in bed now. gotta stop pulling these all nighters. until the next chronicles of me...Peace!